The Most Terrifying But Beautiful Thing

I want to be back in that place.

Completely in over my head.

Totally reliant on God. 

I miss it. It’s horrifically stupid to say.

To put into words.

Asking for it to happen.

Because it terrifies me. But I want it. 

I’m petrified and terrified of actually having it come to be. But I long for it. I’m so scared, but I want to experience it again.

To feel the power of God. To feel God’s presence–palpable and real–in the times when I need God most. When I am at my most weak and vulnerable and on the verge of failing.

That is exactly where I want to be.


This is something I wrote in August. Scribbled furiously on a notepad during a prayer service. Completely horrified with what I was writing, but longing for it to happen, at the same time.

I’d just finished a yearlong struggle. (Nothing horrible, mind you. Just continually rough.) Persevering through a season I didn’t ask for … didn’t want. And now my life had been smooth sailing. Four months of freedom. And I was restless.

I missed it: Not the feeling of being perpetually on the brink of failure, but the feeling you get when you have no choice but to be totally reliant on God.

To realize you are nothing without God. To lean on God for salvation because no matter how hard you try, you just aren’t capable of saving yourself.

Of course, when the next struggle came — and intensified for a few months — I looked back over these words with annoyance. Did it REALLY have to ask for it?

But it’s exactly what I asked for. And it sucked. But it was also beautiful. So, so beautiful at the same time. To be fully enveloped in God’s power and grace. Falling. Still falling. But wrapped in God’s arms.

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